Letter from the Stalked

Dear Mr. Case,

First of all, we would like to thank you for the volume of letters you have written us. We happened to be on holiday during the previous three weeks, and were surprised to find the generous correspondence in our foyer. We were impressed that you had chosen to color-code the envelopes based on the day of the week you anticipated them to arrive for our filing system. We were impressed and well, frankly alarmed that you were cogent to our filing system, which my wife and I had elaborately constructed to help with her budding neurosis surrounding her well-publicized aphasia. She wanted to write this letter but she was well – to be frank – shaken by what she is beginning to consider an invasion of privacy. Now, she has contacted our lawyers about her concern, and it is clear, as I stated to her, that you have broken no law. You seem to be simply very observant, caring even, of our mail patterns. There is nothing illegal about this, but it is impressive, in a sense my wife  didn’t imagine once we began our correspondence with you. To be frank, she is the one who is concerned, I for one am flattered, though simply because we write our books together doesn’t necessarily always mean we are on the same page, haha. Yes.

Anyway, we managed to enjoy the majority of your letters, however we had trouble picking up specific words in the ones that you wrote presumably in crayon. There is also the matter of the pictograms drawn in what appears to be a reddish brown paint, that we are preparing on mailing back to you for clarification. I am flattered by your overall good nature and pleasant intentions in your correspondence. To be frank, the volume alone is somewhat overwhelming. Do not be alarmed if it takes my wife and I at least two-to-six weeks to fully respond to your proposals, suggestions and light-hearted demands contained in your letters. As I mentioned earlier, we have just returned from our holiday, and have a multitude of other unrelated concerns to deal with. You know how problems stack once you look away, yes? Also, due to other unrelated circumstances my wife and I are speculating whether to relocate our permanent residence. I promise you, that we will keep you informed of our mailing address, as we look forward to the great regularity of your letters. I have already drafted a letter to the postmistress regarding forwarding the parcels that originate from you with the utmost expediency. I would be happy to mail you a copy of that draft. However you should know that the postmistress is rather long in the tooth and has been to known to well…you know, forget things. So don’t be alarmed if we don’t respond immediately or if by some unfortunate circumstance we don’t receive one of your cherished letters. It would not be of a malicious intent. But of course you know that, haha. Yes.

Anyway, while I have your attention, don’t be surprised if my wife answers well, rashly while answering any interview questions regarding rumors of her well, chaotic inner life, and she makes reference to you and our larger correspondence. Do not take it the wrong way. My wife is under considerable stress and she tends to project internal issues onto external forces. She is not trying to victimize or embarrass you. And though we haven’t ever met you, we have taken to you rather fondly. You know women, hurting the ones they love.  Don’t be surprised, and don’t say I didn’t warn you…don’t be surprised if it happens around the twentieth, it’s that time of the month for her, and she gets most persnickety. If she mentions anything about a restraining order I know nothing about it. I imagine she would have simply misspoke.

Alas, Mr. Case my wife and our troubled Doberman and poorly trained Tibetan Mastiff require an unleashed walk past the confines of the highly-charged electric barbed wire fence that surrounds our  compound featuring remote survelliance. I hope your white Bentley gets out of the shop soon. We do miss seeing it across the way from our driveway!

Take care!


Roosevelt P. Sternum

Edna Sternum (unsigned)


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