“Billy, hey Billy, you need to listen to me. I know your glowing robot-truck is fun, but we need to have a talk. You are six years old now. Your mother and I see that you are interested in sports. As you might be able to tell, I am a sports fan. Billy, Billy, please put down the robot-truck. Or take out the batteries….it has screws? What the hell? Why would that thing need screws? You know what, just give it to me.
Billy, I am worried. It appears that football, or worse, the NFL is your favorite sport. I know Peyton Manning, Jr. is good and cool at all, I would probably think the same thing if the older Peyton Manning had tattoos on his face too, and was an open homosexual, and that’s fine. I am not going to tell you that you can’t like football the most. That’s cool you like football, I guess. It’s better then if you didn’t like sports at all or at least a feigned a passing interest.. But I will tell you that I will be deeply disappointed if it stays that way.
No, Billy, baseball isn’t boring. It’s just your ADD makes it difficult to pay attention to something longer than ten seconds. In my day, my ADD only made it two minutes. And we thought that was bad. Jesus, where did you go? I turned around to grab a beer and… alright, Billy, sit down, stop spinning around and singing, it’s driving us fucking crazy. It’s really unacceptable. Your mother is in therapy. That isn’t cheap. Your not even listening are you? Do I have to turn off all the lights in here and make you lay down with your eyes closed again? Because last time you fell asleep, and I had no idea when you drifted of exactly, and that whole conversation we had about pre-marital sex was pretty much me talking to myself twice. I don’t want that again. Look…I’ll strike a deal with you. I’ll give you ten cookies if you pay attention to me…the whole time. No, after I’m done, otherwise you’ll just think about the cookies while you’re eating them and not pay attention. Well, maybe your right, you will think about getting the cookies and fake it. Shit. Okay two cookies now, as good faith, then the rest after, and after you pass the quiz.
Football is stupid, Billy. It’s really dumb. You don’t have to pay attention to watch it, ut appeals to the lowest common-denominator, and your mother and I have wasted enough money throwing bribes at those gifted pre-schools to ensure you won’t be a lowest common-denominator. So for the love of god, stop multitasking. It’ s just not wise to invest time and energy on stuff that’s easy, like a hooker for example. People who care about about football are people who care about hookers.
I want you to follow sports Billy. It’s important to being a man. I know that sounds stupid right now, but trust me. You are young. Just follow the teams and like the guys, and you will have a whole litany of information later in life to impress your first girlfriends dad, and he won’t think your a twerp. And if he doesn’t follow sports, he’s the twerp. Also, you can have real conversations with grown men about things besides the weather or traffic. Billy, sports will always be there for you. It’s really the best investment you’ll ever make. And it’s absolutely free too, if you want it to be.
Intelligent fans won’t respect you too much if you only know stuff about football. I mean watch football, it’s cool and fine, but it shouldn’t be number one.
It’s all about baseball and basketball, Billy. The rest is a crock of shit, no matter what ESPN says, even if Brett Farve is coming back at the age of 60. They’re just trying to sell you stuff and keep on watching, just like CNN, Fox News and MSNBCBS, except they sell fear, which I guess exacerbates an entirely different process and STOP LOOKING OUT THAT FUCKING WINDOW. Jesus Christ, we should’ve made you sleep in the basement! I am giving you some solid fatherly advice here! I thought about this for almost thirty minutes before I pulled you out of school today. Your in a good spot here Billy. If you stick to sports now, when you’re twenty you’ll have a dozen years of knowledge and memories. It’s fantastic. You can watch a guy get drafted at your age, and his career will be over when you’re in college.
Ot’s important to know the difference between following and liking a team, and being a stupid fan who invests a bunch of emotional stock into a team and loves them, and actually feels pain and gets sad when they lose. People forget it’s just a game, and it’s not too important. It’s like the opening act, or a stack of rice in the show or meal of life or whatever. Yeah, have pride in your team and in your city, but this isn’t a girlfriend. It’s more like a hooker. You know what it’s for and respect it, and when you’re done with it, you leave it alone. This will come up again later in life. Your generation has the advantage of robohookers though, which…well we didn’t get to enjoy really. Anyway, if you end up like one of those losers who paints his entire body in team colors, or goes to the game and is wearing a hat, a jersey and a team jacket while keeping score in your personal score book, and knows the ages, birthplaces and statistics to every guy on the major league roster or the farm team, and it’s all you think about…then, I may have to disown you. Yes, even if your rich. Loving a team too much is kind of pathetic. Everything in moderation, Billy. Especially those robohookers. Keep it in check.
So my mother was a Cubs fan, Billy. The Cubs? They were a team in Chicago that lost forever and everyone still loved them. They were cooler than the Red Sox too, because generally people who were from Chicago weren’t the kind of caustic assholes, that dripped with the stilted concept that losing more makes you deserve to win more. I’d like to see if they were so adamant if they were in a smaller market like Kansas City or Oakland. Anyway, you only used to see those type of whiners from Boston. Boston fans were the worst, Billy. But their teams started losing again after 2012 and they all stopped caring again, as usual. And then that mushroom cloud drifted over the Northeast…Yes Billy, now Boston is essentially a home for roaming cannibals and mutated cats. But it’s really not that different from before.
Anyway, she was a Chicago Cubs fan. Chicago? Jesus, Billy you know what Chicago was. Chicago was a mostly nice city until that nuclear blast happened a while before you were born. Do you ever listen, or do you only care about history that involves cannibals? Anyway your grandmother raised me into sports as I will be raising you into sports. And those Cubs suffered, but they took it in stride. They were genuinely sad. But it was only temporal. They took a shot and forgot about it, the way a good fan is. Sports is like a hooker right? You are either completely satisfied or skipping in the street or it’s just disappointed and worth forgetting. When it comes to hookers and sports, have an emotional memory of thirty minutes. This is the best advice I can ever give you, Billy.
It went on for over a hundred years Billy. It just got into the blood…or the water or something. It was accepted that they would lose and they’d be sad, but not crushed. And they always said “There’s Always Next Year.” Which was true…until that nuclear holocaust. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because they’re all dead now. For chrissakes Billy, stop crying. Here’s another cookie. There you go!
My mother became a Mariners fan when our family moved to Seattle when I was an infant. We also had a great basketball team called the Super Sonics, but I’ll tell you all about that soon enough. Let’s stick to baseball. In the mid-1990’s, when I was a little older then you, we had a certifiably great team. Now falling in love with a basketball or baseball team is like falling in love with a gorgeous, tall, intelligent brunette or blonde like your mother. It’s not like your typical hooker. At first, it’s not easy. But it’s a lot easier if you’re familiar with the ins and outs before you hit puberty and your ability to comprehend difficult things throughout life plummets faster than President Petraeus’s approval rating after we attempted that counter-insurgency operation with those Martians. Holy fucking shit Billy. When that Martian held Will Smith’s severed head in front of the camera and then he took off…well we never thought that was going to happen. What was that? Oh you’ll see the pictures someday. Anyway, good-looking, smart women are worth your time, even if you don’t like sports and you end up being gay or asexual like your mother suspects.”
Okay. Stop right there. Just stop right there. You cannot go on like this. This has no point. You know you actually don’t believe in any of this stuff. You like football. You just don’t like the NFL. This whole bit with a fake kid from the future? It’s a formula. Well actually, it’s not even a formula. There isn’t any math or thought-out ideas – I just actually wanted to make jokes about a weird son and Peyton Manning Jr. with tattoos on his face and sneak in some jabs against Boston. But the future jokes – I know it’s pretty much the exact same thing I did before with Emma Watson. Are you paying attention now? Is anyone reading this far?
This sports as a hooker business – bullshit
This Boston hating – mostly bullshit that isn’t worth thinking out farther into an elegant setence.
Implying the sons malformities originate from a nuclear blast- halfway decent.
The fact that ESPN sucks and just another business that doesn’t do even a half-assed job and just repeats stop-gaps and uses interjection, maximizing minimal stories because they are on the air 24/7 just like CNN and Fox News – totally worth exploring.
Football – pretty great, it’s just the NFL and ESPN make me want to stab myself like the guy does in Equus. (See that? I am the next Bill Simmons! I JUST MADE AN EQUUS REFERENCE!)
But knowing something about sports is very helpful in interacting with adult males, especially as a young male then they have pretty much immediately (and rightfully) dismissed you – totally true.
So don’t expect more of that formulaic stuff – although it is sweet beiung able to sneak in a joke about Will Smith getting skullfucked post mortum.
Also I didn’t edit any of this.
HOW ARE YOU!?!?!