Today, the sun is shining, here, on this beautiful planet, filled with people, animals, flowers, trees and commas. Today, something has happened.
Scientists and philosophers have been hard at work on a new social law, that could provide immediate and proper, indisputable restitution to any and all disputes. Today, it is finished. In three weeks, the final document will be released to the public.
Considering all the demands it would make on society – a certain clearinghouse needed to take place before it could be properly implemented. Today, How Far is Ohio, in conjunction with the Department of Humanitarian and Civil Services would like to announce that Kant has been dragged out into a field, said something bizarre advocating eugenics, before he was shot in the head execution-style. Bentham was beaten with a shovel and for the sake of creating the most amount of happiness for the most amount of people, it was recorded and distributed on DVR. It’s pretty funny when he tries to blame it all on John Stuart Mill before his skull is crushed (3:27 on YouTube posted by DepHum34.) Rousseau and Locke have been locked in (separate) rooms, and they are not allowed to come out and participate. Marx was found waiting in line for food. When asked how long he had been waiting, before he was shot of course, he tried to give us his resume. Chomsky emerged from some bushes, mostly nude and covered in mud, and rifled through his pockets spouting anarchist jargon before he ran away to go get a good spot in line at the Food Bank so he wouldn’t be late for his meeting with the Food Stamps people, because apparently he doesn’t qualify for Food Stamps. No bullets were wasted on him.
Portions of the document, reportedly over thirteen-thousand pages long, have been released to certain choice publications. We here, at How Far is Ohio, have gotten our oily hands on two of these pages. We want to help you prepare yourself for the coming totalitarian state. We have to admit we are excited, and also nervous, considering some of the content of the document.
The IT staff at How Far is Ohio totally missed their lunch to go get a scanner at Best Buy so we could share the PDF file of the document with you. (We have never needed to use a scanner before.) We totally ordered them a pizza for their troubles, but apparently they didn’t like the pizza because they are vegans. We totally ate the pizza and called them pussies, then went outside and pulled some grass up and put it in a zip-lock bag and placed it in a paper sack with an apple and bottle of well water and said their Mommies had brought them their lunch that they forgot at home. It was hilarious. Everyone high-fived and laughed at them. Then, we totally called them pussies again, so they’d remember.
Anyway, here’s the pages. Sorry we got off on that rant about those IT guys. They are a handful.