Thousands of Americans Already in Gay Marriages

Thousands of Americans Shocked to Discover That They Are in Gay Marriages

All over the country, more and more married couples have begun to realize they have already committed to a gay marriage. With the ongoing controversy surrounding the issue of granting homosexuals marriage rights, thousands of heterosexual couples, who have been married for years, have discovered that their marriages, are in fact, pretty gay.

Clint Barstow of Topeka, Kansas, who has been married to his wife Cheryl for ten years, at first didn’t believe his marriage could be gay. The declining regularity and excitement of their sex life was an early symptom of problems. Barstow merely thought of it as a common trend in marriage. But when the violent arguments and eventual affairs with other heterosexuals started, it finished off any sort of potential straightness for their marriage.

The Barstow’s publicly acknowledge that their marriage only exists for the sake of their son Kenny, who is aware of both of his parents dating lives. “I guess it took me until this point, to say out loud, that this marriage is gay, this shit is pretty weak” Barstow stated. He then implied he was pursuing a divorce, despite the fact that he is a lifelong Catholic. “Yes, divorce goes against the church. But at least it isn’t gay.”

In Tallahassee, Michelle Fairfield awoke one morning realizing she was in a gay marriage. “We hardly ever talk, and when we do we just talk about paying the bills and taking the kids to soccer practice, you know pretty gay stuff. If we ever talk about something personal, like say Mark’s mother, he gets defensive and whiny and we get into a fight. It’s really gay not having a conversation with your husband.”

Fairfield works during the day as a legal consultant, and Mark stays home to tend to the house and kids. Last February, Fairfield came home during lunch to find her husband drinking heavily with friends. This was the first time the idea flashed in her mind that she could be in a gay marriage.

“You know, you always hope for the best, but usually the simplest explanation is usually the right one.” Her suspicions were confirmed when for her birthday, he gave her a power drill and a nude photo of himself with a coy caption reading “Jus’ Wanted to Drill You.”

“That’s when I knew for sure,” Fairbanks said, dabbing at her eyes “That this was a gay marriage.”

Since realizing the gayness of her marriage, Fairfield founded the Gay Marriage Crisis Center, a place for couples to discuss the pain and reality of being in a gay marriage. “It is a talk therapy center, so people, stuck in gay marriages, realize they are not alone. You are not the only ones. Thousands of couples every month are realizing how gay being married is.”

However, there is another threat to the foundation of marriage. As each day passes, the fight for homosexual marriage equality becomes stronger. And many heterosexual couples are worried that these potential unions could end as gay marriages.

“Our primary concern is the next generation of married couples. The number of long-term homosexual couples who will be allowed to finally become married is huge, and we don’t want them to end up in gay marriages. They don’t know what marriage can do to an otherwise normal relationship. It can get gay so fast, you wouldn’t even believe it.”

“I’m just afraid,” Barstow says “That more and more people are going to realize they are in gay marriages, whether it’s a homosexual couple or a heterosexual couple. And if people realize that marriage may be a gay thing altogether…well that sounds pretty gay to me.”


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